Susan C. Stone's Practical Parenting Blog dotcom

We Angelenos are going through a traumatic and uncertain time. The wildfires have wiped out entire communities, leaving some people homeless and others in a state of hypervigilance, facing the unknown. I think it’s fair to say that we are all beyond stressed out. But are your children  are impacted by this? Almost certainly!

Depending on the age of your child, they may know a lot, have seen frightening images in the media and may be actively sharing their fears with you. On the other hand, your kids, especially young children, may have been protected from media images or specific information but are “catching” the stress from you! Stress is more contagious than germs and if you are effected, worried and hypervigilant, your children pick up from your mood, facial expressions, body language that something upsetting is going on. They may be overhearing adult concerns. They may notice that they can’t go outside to play, can’t visit their usual ice cream shop, can’t go to school or hear about classmates who have been displaced or lost their homes.

While some children express their fears and concerns directly, others may not think to ask you questions or can’t even formulate them. Some children turn their feelings into physical complaints or emotional or behavioral changes.

So how should parents and teachers help children deal with this time and these events? The following are some suggestions for helping children cope during this time.

Be Parental

1. Keep to normal routines and schedules.
2. Continue to set limits and enforce rules.
3. Try to not show your stress in front of your children – try to appear calm and in charge. If you are experiencing and displaying acute stress, let young children know that you have “adult problems” on your mind without going into details. For older children who are aware of the current situation, confirm that you have concerns but have a plan to keep them and yourself safe.
4. For children who have been victims of the fire, let them know that you are planning how to move ahead, that you will take care of them and all practical issues. It’s important to appear stronger and more confident than you may feel.
5. Find ways that children can be proactive in your safety plan such as choosing what they will pack in case of an evacuation order.

Control the Information Flow

1. Young children should be protected from all media images and news through the TV or radio.
2. Make sure to keep adult concerns and conversations private – even little kids have big ears. Phone conversations are the primary way that children pick up information – both accurate and distorted by their lack of perspective.
3. For older children who are inevitably exposed to information about the fires and the destruction, be sure to provide them with an accurate  age- appropriate perspective, information and reassurance. This might include showing them a map of where the fires are if they are not in your vicinity, informing them of all the helpers that are working to extinguish the fires or are making supplies and accommodations available for those effected.

Communicate with your Children

1. If they ask questions about the fires, first assess what they know and then give information at their level.
2. If they are not asking questions, be sure to observe any sudden physical, emotional or behavioral changes that can indicate unexpressed anxiety.
3.  With young children, watch their play themes to assess what they may be concerned about but unable to express. If you see evidence of fire related play themes, initiate conversation by saying “I see that you are building houses that fall down, that you are using your fire trucks to help people” to begin a conversation.
4. With older children, make sure to have alone time with them , especially at bedtime to prompt expression of concerns.
5. Answer questions calmly and honestly but age – appropriately, correct misconceptions  and reassure them that the adults are there to  take care of them.
6. Validate their feelings that fires are scary and it’s sad that people have been displaced. Let them know that it’s normal to feel anxious or confused but reassure them that you have plans to keep them safe. With older children, you might share what those plans are and how they might help. Being proactive is a hedge against stress.