Parents today seem to be confused about their role with their children – they want to be “pals” with their kids. What is this trend all about?

First, it seems to be that today’s parents identify with being youthful and feel that acting “grown-up” or “in charge” will morph them into stuffy, gray-haired, wrinkled, dorky versions of their former selves. Feeling on a par with their children means they’re still hip, relevant and ageless.

Second, parents have misgivings, and even fears, about being overbearing dictators who stomp the joy out of their children. They don’t want to appear heavy-handed or overly restrictive.

Third, and most peculiar, is a deep fear that if they set limits and boundaries for their children they won’t be loved by them! I’m seeing a generation of parents who are intimidated by the displeasure of people who are three feet tall!

Tell me, do you think your parents had these concerns? If you say “yes”, I’d really like to meet them because they are a rare breed, indeed! Parents of previous generations didn’t consider being “grown-up” to be a negative. They didn’t live in a world that worshipped a youth culture, plastic surgery, or perfect-fitting jeans. They knew they had a job to do as a parent – to socialize their children and they didn’t much like being bossed around by short people. They pretty much did what was expedient to achieve these goals.

Now, I like a pair of great jeans as much as the next person and wrinkles are not welcomed into my house. But, as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 30 years, I see every day in my practice, the fall-out from parents not being parental. I see children who feel scared that there is no big person around to take care of them because everyone has the same degree of power and decision-making. I see children who feel unloved because, from their point of view, their parents don’t seem to care what they do. And I see children who suffer because they are growing up without internal boundaries and the ability to delay gratification and control their impulses that help them grow into responsible, non-impulsive, hard-working and caring adults who can be successful in their relationships and endeavors.

So, what does it mean to be parental? It doesn’t mean being harsh, punitive, grumpy and frumpy. It means recognizing that a family is not a democracy – it’s a benign dictatorship! It means that you’re in charge, and rightly so – to guide and protect your children who are inexperienced in this world and don’t understand health concerns, danger and safety, long-term versus short-term outcomes and much more.

It means that both you and your child understand that there are adult decisions and there are children’s decisions and that the balance of these slowly shifts from infancy to college as your children learn, in a gradual way, to make all or most of their own decisions and deal with and learn from the outcomes.

Have this talk with your child today: “Do you understand that there are grown-up decisions and children’s decisions? When you were an infant you got to make very few decisions – when you were going to sleep, eat and poop! Now you’re 3 or 6 or 12 or older, and you get to make many more decisions (of which you can name many). But we, the parents, still make the grown-up ones.”  Oddly, children find this to be a very reasonable arrangement! It often makes them more inclined to adhere to your directives if they see that certain decisions are theirs to make.

Being parental also means really knowing the difference between pleasing your child and loving your child. Simply put, pleasing is easy but harmful; loving is difficult but beneficial. If your child wants ice cream for breakfast, it will certainly please them if you agree. However, saying “that isn’t a healthy choice” is loving but likely to be met with at least a pout, maybe an argument, a slammed door or even your child packing a suitcase and announcing they’re moving down the street where the parents are nicer!

If you’re intimidated by your child’s reaction and give in, if you use your child’s face as a barometer of whether you’re doing the right thing, not only are you dead in the water as a protector and guide, but your child is deprived of the sense of being loved and valued.

It’s worth a few extra words to describe my experience with a family I saw years ago which consisted of a single mother and an 8-year-old boy. The mom had no idea how to parent and the boy was going to school if and when he felt like it. He would often stay up all night watching TV and eating junk food which he demanded she buy. However, they didn’t seek my help until the boy began cutting up the furniture with scissors. You might first think, “This unfortunate boy was a bit demented”, not to mention his mother. In truth, he was simply pushing the limits to see at what point his mother would take a stand. Well, with not too much intervention, just a little parent coaching, the mother learned to set limits and the boy was becoming compliant. The important part of this story is that the boy came in one day, plopped down on my couch and said, “I don’t know what you’re saying to my mom, but I think she’s starting to love me.”

Need I say more?

So, hitch up those jeans and become the adult in the house. This doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with your child and be playful, but being in charge, being parental, is the best gift you can give your child. And, I promise you, they will love you for it.

While we adults experience distress over the terrible events taking place in Japan and the Middle East, children can be influenced in a much more profound and enduring way. The younger the child, the less perspective they have and the more literally they interpret what they see and hear. Young children in particular don’t have a clear idea of cause and effect, time and distance and, at the same time, have limited vocabulary, experience and frames of reference.

Isn’t Japan just down the street?  When will the radiation come here?  That’s how the ocean acts?  Are there rebels hiding in our house?  Could this happen to us?

These are examples of how their perceptions can be distorted  and shape their view of the world.  It’s possible for them to  internalize a sense of insecurity and hopelessness. Exposure to stressful world events has the potential to create in children fear, a sense of the loss of protection and stability and even anger.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP THEM:

AGES 0 – 6:  1. Remember that they are not clear about the difference between reality and fantasy. Images of a tsunami on television might stir up fears that the water could rush out of the television and engulf them.   And because they literal, repeated and  rerun images of war and natural disasters easily have them believing that the same events are taking place over and over.

2.  So it’s crucial that you CONTROL THE INFORMATION FLOW! Young children need to be shielded from information and images they can’t understand and can only make them anxious. This means no exposure to TV, computer or radio news. Be cautious about the images printed on newspaper and magazine covers.  Be aware of the adult conversations you’re having within their earshot (which doesn’t end when they’re in the other room, watching cartoons, or supposedly sleeping!)

AGES 7-10:  1. Children in this age group may have exaggerated worries because they have both too much information – through exposure to media and exposure to adult conversation – and too little information through playground gossip and rumors as well as out of imaginary fearsome scenarios they create out of bits of information they string together and is out of context.

AGES 11-16:  1. Know that children in this age group are particularly sensitive to societal distress because it reflects the inner turmoil they are experiencing – both the world and their bodies seem to be spiraling out of control.

While you can try to  shield very  young children from world events, children of any age may be exposed to information anyway – through peers, walking by a newstand, seeing media displays at others’ houses. Sometimes they just sense something is going on by a change in your demeanor.  Older children actually need to understand what’s going on in the world and what your views and values are pertaining to them.

Your best bet in helping them cope with world events is to make sure you have open and on-going communication with your children.  Talking decreases fear and anxiety for all of us. With children, it also allow you to correct misinformation (Japan is not down the street!) and to provide learning experiences. (Where is Japan? How often does a 9.0 earthquake occur? Has there ever been a tsunami where you live? How far away is the unrest in the Middle East?)

1. Before you begin providing information, assess what your child knows and what their concerns are. Don’t give more information than  your child asks for.

2. When you do give information, be honest in your answers. Children sense deception and the imagined “truth” can be worse than the reality.  Being dishonest can also interfere with the trust between you and your child.

3. When you provide explanations, speak calmly. Your reactions effect them more than any information you impart. If they sense you are extremely distressed or out of control, they feel acutely unsafe.

4. Provide age-appropriate perspectives and frames of reference. For example, this is happening far, far away. These things hardly ever happen-they are highly unusual which is part of the reason there is so much news coverage. Tell them it is very unlikely

to happen to us. Let them know that bad and scary feelings go away and that even big problems eventually get solved.

5. Provide reassurance. For younger children this would be on a personal level – “It’s my job to keep you and myself safe”.  For older children, you can explain that smart and capable people – military personnel, the government, engineers, and other

experts are working on solving the problems. Create a disaster or earthquake kit and plan and have your children be involved. This creates some sense of control. Teach them  that should an “event occur, if you’re not around to look for  the

”helpers” (teachers, caretakers, police, firefighters, etc.)

6. For young children, allow them plenty of free play time which gives them an opportunity to act out or draw their perceptions and concerns which you can then address or correct.

7. Maintain normal routines. Also limit your own television or internet viewing of distressing situations – it can elicit anxiety and despair in you which can be sensed by your children who may interpret this as you being disabled as a resource and protector.